fatherhood: May 2009 Archives

Cool dream last night. Ultra-realistic & vivid. » In a cozy cabin set up in the mountains, I'm cooking a batch of my world-famous puttanesca .. when shortly before sunset I hear this heavenly singing. So I set down my big wooden spoon and go investigate.

Opening the front door, I see (with snow-capped mountains framing the distant backdrop) Pavarotti and another fellow walking up the dirt path. [ No, I don't own any Pavarotti CDs. ]

They're singing (with great passion) the most beautiful songs I've ever heard (Italian opera). Indescribably gorgeous. (Think » sex for your ears.)

Pavarotti has a huge smile on his face. Beaming. He seems like the happiest man in the world. Both men are wearing hiking clothes.

With hand outstretched, Pavarotti calls out, "My friend, forgive the intrusion, but we've been following this wonderful aroma for many kilometers."

I tell him what I'm fixing and Pavarotti responds with a proposition, "If you will kindly fix us each a small plate, we will sing for you *two* songs while you cook, another two while we eat, and two more after dinner." (each time emphasizing the word » two)

While I ponder his offer, Pavarotti saunters up and says in my ear (quite matter-of-factly), "Many think I'm the greatest singer ever, but actually my cousin here is much better. He just couldn't tolerate the music industry and its shenanigans."

Other than how beautiful the singing sounds, the most poignant part of my dream is how happy Pavarotti seems. Downright radiant, he never stops smiling.

Of course, I invite them in. While Pavarotti warms himself by the fire, I ask his cousin, "Is he always this happy?" "Yes," he answers, "I think there's something wrong with him." (which makes me smile)

Received lots of mail regarding yesterday's post, which helped, cuz I was in a pretty bad place .. being wide-awake most of the night .. walking around out in the yard .. looking up at the stars .. as if for answers .. or strength. The cool, night air felt good .. the quiet, soothing.

Many shared incredible stories, which make my own experiences seem trivial.

Here's one I found particularly insightful & honest .. from Bonnie, who lives up in the Bay area. Used with permission:

Dear Rad,
I have been reading your blog occasionally for eons, usually when I am in some kind of geeky trouble. You write well and thoughtfully. For that I am grateful.

And so today I sought what you have to say about monitors. While not looking very hard and not finding that, I did see your touching lament about your boy's tears.

With too much experience as a single parent, I can say this is painful but will pass. Before long, your son will be craving time with you and won't be able to get enough.

Children always crave the parent who is not present, and the hardest thing is when a grownup burdens the child with an emotional barrier to the other parent. That he is worrying about losing you both suggests too much worry for such a little fella.

The Bug woke last night, crying, "I want my mommy". Very unusual. That's only happened a handful of times in the last 4 years .. usually when he was nursing or sick. But he's no longer nursing and doesn't seem sick.

I tried for 10 or 15 minutes to see if there was something I could do. But it was clear he really wanted his mom.

I tried calling several times, but there was no answer. So I drove him there and knocked on her bedroom window (midnight).

The thing is .. I see him so little as it is, and really look forward to our time together. Plus I have been criticized (in court) for bringing him back before.

But I don't really care what lawyers think (or say). And it's not about me, anyway. So when I could see he really wanted his mom, there was no question about what to do.

But now .. I am feeling very weird. A slew of confusing feeling are running around inside. Did I pay enough attention to him? Shower him with enough love? The thing is, you can *always* pay more attention to your kids, and you can always show them more love.