fatherhood: September 2008 Archives

Finally finished watching All the King's Men last night. Near the end, Jude Law performs the following voiceover (while playing solitaire). He speaks quietly, solemnly:

Jue Law in All the King's Men"After any great trauma, or crisis, after the shock subsides and the nerves stop twitching, you settle down to the new condition of things, because you know that all possibility of any more change has been used up.

You've seen the pattern finally, because you've stepped back far enough to take in the whole picture."

He gets up and walks to the window, where outside it's pouring rain. The voiceover continues as the sound of rain becomes prominent.

"But it's too late now .. to do anything except accommodate yourself to it. And that's it. There's nothing left to do, or say, except that God and nothing have a lot in common. The end."

Broken, Defeated, Dazed & Confused

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Imagine a man you've never met, walks up and proceeds to (methodically) mount a bazooka on a tripod right in front of you, and then carefully aims the crosshairs at your heart before squeezing the trigger ..

Cannon.. and you have an idea of how I feel. Defeated, broken. Hollow. Dazed & confused (literally). Not good. It's not the end of the world. (Only feels like it.)

I watched a little of All the King's Men last night, before bed. One scene stood out (as if it were speaking to me), where Sean Penn is devastated by an injustice, while trying to do the right thing, and a man asks him, "What are you gonna do?"

And he answers (unsteadily, as if he's trying to talk himself into it), "I'm gonna keep the faith." Today I know that unsteady feeling.

There is definitely a temptation to "give up" .. to stop caring (because it hurts too much & all hope seems lost). But I don't think I am capable of that.

Big day tomorrow. Another journey into the vast unknown, where I have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

Distracted myself today by updating the VPS guide (while listening to Dylan), and going for a walk at the Back bay (at sunset). Hope I can sleep tonight. Think positive thoughts, of a boy with his dad.

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This page is a archive of entries in the fatherhood category from September 2008.

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