Earlier this week, I felt the most alone and despondent I've ever felt. Have two friends I can call any time, to talk about any thing. (The Dog is one.) But neither was available.
Very unusual. Never felt anything quite like it. Completely different feeling, like I was alone on this earth. Even thought of Jesus on the cross, just before he died, where he says: "My God, Why hast thou forsaken me?"
To show you how disoriented and desperate I felt, I actually thought of calling the Bug's mom (for comfort) .. before realizing she was the source of these feelings (well, indirectly). So, I was really whacked.
They say the darkest hour is just before the dawn. If true, I must be very close to morning, cuz that was pretty dang dark. Darkest night I've ever known.
The Dog finally called back next day. (He'd been away on a min-vacation.) We talked for hours. He said many nice things, which made me feel better.
••• today's entry continues here below •••
Such as saying I had a 'Zen' outlook on life, and that I was the 'model' for how to deal with this stuff. And that my feelings weren't surprising, considering (what I've been thru).
If nothing else, I'm learning a lot about myself. And like my nuclear days, despite the valuable learning experience, I'd never willingly choose to return.
One thing I learned is .. I ain't 'fraid of no dark nights. I ain't afraid of feeling alone in the world. Certainly I don't like it (not one bit) .. but I can walk up to the edge of the pit (if that's where life takes me) and stare into the void (if that's what I need to do), without being scared off.
The fear of something is usually worse than the thing itself. Best thing to do is turn it around and look for positives. "Hmm, kinda quiet here. Peaceful."
In other news, I saw that girl I mentioned in the previous entry. Friends said, "If you're getting unsolicited kisses, you need to see where that goes."
So, I was friendly when I saw her today. Offered a big smile. But she was cold as ice. No return smile. Totally ignored me. The light had gone out of her eyes. I felt awkward.
For more along these lines, here's a Google search preconfigured for the query » dark night of the soul
