I try to avoid letting much time pass without updating the home page. (Makes the site look neglected.) But I can't seem to post an entry without first 'feeling' it.
Lagging on Updates
In other words, I can't write something just for the sake of writing. (Feels phony.)
Unfortunately I haven't felt much of anything recently. Probably due to (I suspect) defense mechanisms, which protect us from "thoughts or feelings too terrible to tolerate."
Confronting the Uncomfortable
Rather than avoiding uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, I endeavor (as best possible) to orientate myself toward them (confronting them) .. uncomfortable as that might be. I feel this is the best (and fastest) way to move on.
My experience recently has been » periods of crushing pain, interspersed with periods of feeling .. nothing. While pain always suks, I know that feeling nothing is worse. (Numbness is a bad sign.)
As time passes, the painful periods become less frequent and less severe .. until (like now, for example) I'm finally back up to zero. (My head is finally back above water.)
The Dog said,
"I was worried about you for a while, but you sound sound better."I'm cracking jokes again, and even making people laugh. (Good sign.)In dealing with adversity, I've noticed two extremes. (A ditch on both sides of the road.) On one side, some hold on to pains from their past, choosing to relive them over and over (for years it seems). While others deny any past hurts at all, despite their apparent influence in their present life. Both approaches seem dysfunctional.
If someone ignores the stench emanating from their closet door, they're unlikely to clean out the manure piled inside. Same could be said for the person who periodically enjoys playing with it. Speaking of dysfunction ..
••• today's entry continues here below •••
Where Dysfunction & Survival Intersect
I was sitting in the coffee shop yesterday morning, scanning the Book Reviews section of Sunday's Los Angeles Times, when a heading jumped out » "Where Dysfunction & Survival Intersect".
"Hey!" I said with a laugh, "I know this place!" I was joking .. uh, but not really. I studied the large photo (of a cafe) that accompanied the review. The place *did* seem familiar (even tho I'd never been).
The article cited a Canadian author named Miriam Toews (rhymes with 'raves'). Her book, titled The Flying Troutmans was about » "Two children's search for their father is less about the destination than the journey."
Never heard those words used together before » dysfunction & survival (both concepts I'm quite familiar with).
Rad Dream: The Outdoor Courtroom
Speaking of dysfunction, survival, and the search for one's father .. I woke from a dream at *exactly* 3AM this morning. In my dream, I was in court (another place I'm familiar with, unfortunately). Yet this court was held outside, on a big football field.
I was standing at one end of the grassy field, in a corner of the end zone, designed by a small, white-chalk box. The judge and members of the opposing party stood at the other end. We shouted at one another to be heard across the vast distance separating us. The judge called out and asked, "Do you know why you're here?"
"Yes,"
I shouted, my hands forming a megaphone. "It's always the same reason."
Seems like everybody there was against me (way on the other side). That's when I woke. What do you think it meant?
The difference between this dream and the last one is that I had a sense of peace about this dream. Whereas the last one left me unsettled.
If it be possible...
Speaking of peace, my approach to dealing with things has been » "If it be possible, as much as lies within you, live peaceably with all men". Of course, this scripture implies it's not always possible to live at peace with everyone. (But we try.)
Releasing Injustice
Consider a scene in Apocalypse Now, which follows the chief's death (by a spear), showing Lance (the surfer dude) performing a makeshift burial, in the middle of a river (on their way to Cambodia), where he "sends off" the chief .. into the water. Slowly the chief floats away at sunset, before sinking below the surface and disappearing.
This is the model I use to "release" people and things which represent injustice. Notice it's a gentle, but deliberate (conscious) "sending-off" .. not an angry, forceful pushing away, nor a complete denial of the hurt or loss altogether.
I frequently go down to the river, cuz holding onto this krap will eat you alive.
Teacher: Thy Name is Adversity
Adversity has a way of teaching us things about ourselves that might otherwise be difficult to learn (under more favorable circumstances). We all have, I feel, ideas of how we'd respond to adversity or trauma, or how we'd like to believe we'd respond.
But I'm finding » it's difficult to really know .. until actually faced with the adversity. In the end, our best is all we can hope for. And sometimes that isn't enough.
"I've noticed two extremes. (A ditch on both sides of the road.)"
Which goes to prove that it is a narrow road, at that (Matthew 7:14). I had a friend that choose to keep a foot in each ditch. Bowling with two
balls, I guess...